Five years ago, Holy Week 2006, everything about my current condition dawned in my mind. I realized that I am really really sick and I am not able to do what I used to. It's like the word is moving too fast, I wanted it to stop and wait for me. I even had a hard time sleeping. I was having an anxiety attacks.
I'll quote the 'Che Che Lazaro Presents' interview of my mom:
Madge Yarza: "Nung holy week, yung yung nafeel niyang parang ano, she wanted.. Sabi niya, she wanted the world to stop and wait for her.
Kasi, wala siyang magawa. Paralyzed siya. Nakaupo lang siya. Naka tube-feeding siya. Wala siyang marinig. Yun nga yung sabi niyang, “mommy nababliw ako. Nababaliw ako.” Sabi ko, “hindi anak.” Tapos pagnakikita niya, kasi wala akong maid non, nakikita niya hindi ko na siya masyadong naaasikaso nun, nagluluto ako, naglalaba ako. Sasabihin niya, “mommy mommy, anong ginagawa mo?” Para talaga siyang nababaliw."
"sabi ko, “hindi anak, hindi, hindi ka nababaliw.” Hanggang ayon nga good Friday, nagkaroon kami ng, parang iyon yung kino-consider kong test of faith, na sabi niyang nababaliw daw siya. Tapos nakahiga siya; talagang pinahawakan ko, hawak kaming dalawa sa dun crucifix. Yung picture ni Jesus nan aka-lay hand ng ganon. Nilagay ko dito. Sabi ko, “anak, kumapit ka, wag kang bibitaw. Humawak ka lang. humawak ka..” Alam niyo yung aura non parang talagang nararamdaman ko mayroong good and evil na nagta-tug-of-war. Hanggang na calm down ko siya, tapos nakatulog siya."
During those times, I kept saying: "malapit na Easter Sunday". I was anticipating for that day but I don't know why. I just kept on chanting it.
My mom went to church that Sunday and surrender everything to God, "His will be done." morning after Holy Week, Monday after Easter Sunday, while I was having my breakfast, I told my mo, "Ma, gagaling na tayo. Lahat ng kaya kong gawin, gagawin ko. Life must go on." My mom asked me, "Are you saying that because I told you to." I replied, "No. It's because I want to."
And after some time, I wrote this blog entry to explain what I meant with going on with my life:
i can't hear..
i can't walk..
i can't move my arms..
i can't wiggle my fingers..
i can't swallow well..
i can't write..
i can't stand alone..
i can't smile..
i can't spit..
i can't see well..
i can't use my left hand..
i can't do ALOT of things but that doesn't stop me from doing the things I CAN..
life must go on..
Life must go on, in other words: GO! GO LANG!